Some thoughts that I think I should pen down now before I forget.
So this whole COVID thing *sigh* yes it affects everyone, it requires sacrifice on everybody's part, it causes anxiety and stress and worry. It affects me in many ways though I often try not show that it does (just part of my personality I think)
Currently still very thankful I get to go to work - more than ever, I am reminded of the privilege of being able to help someone else. And somehow it seems more precious now - some patients share about how they are afraid to be in hospital during this time or how tough things are for them "sibeh jialat" said one uncle. Many patients are still getting sick and dying (of things other than COVID). So the short encounter we have and the little need I get to meet, I see as opportunity to share joy and show love.
Days - we can only take them one at a time now.
Tuesday
Circuit breaker officially begins.
I still go to work.
But the bus is quieter. I can get a seat and guiltlessly put my bag next to me.
This is new space. Extra space. Extra time as well.
Everything I was once involved in is now cancelled - all weddings, meetings, dinners, classes, appointments. I know I will never have the opportunity like this ever again.
Suddenly we are put into a new situation where we have more clarity on what is essential vs non-essential, central vs peripheral, important vs extra. Questions pop up, like - What do I really need in life? What's important to me? What do I want to invest my time in?
On hindsight I know I've been focusing on things in the periphery too much, neglecting what should have been central. But here is an opportunity to get things right, to put the big stones into the jar first instead of the little pebbles, to place the important things at the very centre.
This season has opened up so much time for me to read the Bible, pray, journal. The church has recently started on 'Acts in April' (Bible reading plan thru the book of Acts) and I've had time everyday to sit and read and journal.
It has given me time to think, reflect, and realign - What is it that God wants me to do? How I can better live my life for God rather than be preoccupied with the things that will not last? What are the needs of the people around me? Who can I love? Who can I help? Who can I serve?
I can't waste this opportunity. And I pray the church doesn't.
More than ever we can be the church, as it was meant to be! Stripped of its programmes, physical structures, the usual "Sunday" routines - what good is the Church if it does not love and serve the people who belong to it and beyond?
Wednesday
I went to drop some bread off at my grandma's.
Context: She stays with a helper but only since 2018. She was always super independent and did everything herself, but she had a bad fall end of 2017 and it was kinda downhill from there. Progressively she got weaker, frailer, slower. More falls. So now she needs help to move around the house.
I just left the hot cross buns at the door and chatted to her from outside. I hadn't seen her since November last year (I had to check this by looking at my Whatsapp and I am ashamed to say its been so long!!!). But yes, after I saw her I don't know why I got so emotional :'( Maybe because I didn't realise just how much slower and frailer she looked from the time I last saw her. Maybe because I felt guilty that I hadn't spent enough time with her.
Maybe because it dawned on me that she must feel so so lonely. We're all already struggling with this 'Stay at Home' thing and it's just been a few days. But she, and I imagine many many old people out there too, have been staying home simply because they can't go out. It might be a medical issue, physical limitation, or just because they don't have a community/family.
My grandma has been staying at home against her will I'm sure (she is your classic stubborn-independent-'I don't need any help' grandma). When you're old there is so much you can't do even though you want to. You don't see your friends anymore, if they are still alive that is.
My heart goes out to the older people in our midst. Often silent, invisible.
Friday
They call it Good Friday.
It is good even though an innocent man suffered a horrible death and died, because His sacrifice meant that we can be free. The women who stood at the cross wept in sorrow because Jesus died. The disciples and followers were lost. It was a time of seeming hopelessness.
But God takes bad and makes good out of it. His plan is always good even though it may seem bleak for a while. Our short-sightedness causes us to doubt whether or not God is really in control or whether He is good or not.
But out of that death, came life and life eternal not just for Jesus but for us.
The darkest day was the start of a time of true hope, it's just that the people didn't know it yet.
We can have hope in these gloomy times. We don't understand the WHY behind everything (like seriously WHY COVID), but we know the God who is in control of ALL things.
Hence, Good Friday.
Sunday
Jesus is alive.
Take a while to ponder that. A man who was dead (like legit-ly dead in the asystole, already in the morgue kind of way) came to life. Back to life. Walking-talking-breathing living human being.
God is more than a virus, more than a pandemic. He is bigger than death itself.
And he defeated it once for all.
Monday
'I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.
In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart! I have overcome the world"
John 16:33
You can tell when somebody has peace.
They don't have the 'every man for himself' mindset, and certainly do not act like it.
They wouldn't rush to get everything they "need" from the supermarket.
They are not obsessed with being the first to know things (often unhelpful speculations).
They're the sort to say 'its ok'.
Don't know what tomorrow holds, but it's ok.
May not have enough to last the month, but it's ok.
Maybe can't get through this, but it's ok.
Not sure if will get the virus and die, but hey it's ok.
Because the peace doesn't come from the circumstances, it comes from a steadfast and loving God.
And our God gives this peace freely.
